Catcliffe Shakedown

Straight down the Parkway follow your nose to
A place where nobody wants to go
It's a fare and a half they're having a larf
Everybody's broken or they're a dwarf

Pierrot mirror on the wall who is
The ace-est of them all?
The Catcliffe girl who gets out
Before her 18th birthday

There's a little old man by
The side of the road
Just where he came from nobody knows
He's so picturesque, a physical wreck
A dirty old bloke with no self-respect ow!

Oh god! You'd better leave town
Before you get caught in
The Catcliffe Shakedown yeah
It's a step to the left a step to the right
You do the Catcliffe Shakedown with
All of your might oh, baby, shakedown

Pudgy 12 year-olds in Union Jack shorts
Addicted to coffee-whitener and
Frankfurters and
Those boys who said "Hey mister
We just want your car
'cos we're taking a girl to the
Reservoir" are outside the pub
Fine figures of men exercising and
Dieting just doesn't suit them
"Have a meal in a glass
We're having a laugh
Just come over here and your
Face we will smash" oh!

Oh god! You'd better leave town
Before you get caught in
The Catcliffe Shakedown yeah
Shakedown shakedown
Shakedown

Oh no
It's not that bad really: Not if you've been
Living in Bosnia for the last year home-brew
Is still big news round these parts -
No airing cupboard should be without it
They were going to open an airport
- can you imagine it?
"Whilst in the area why not stock up on
String or try some of our duty-free Parkin?"
Oh yeah let's go
See the rainbow high above the viaduct
Glowing with all the colours of
A bottle of spilt milk
Oh, it's so beautiful
But I don't know what it means
Oh, rainbow high above - what
Exactly are you advertising?

And our idea of sophisticated
Humour is setting
Fire to our farts with disposable
Lighters why not try
Our delicious lager-style
Drink with a chocolate-flavoured
Candy-covered biscuit?
"Look at those buttercups over there mummy!"
"Hold one under your chin"
"What's butter mummy?"
"Oh, it's just a different make of margarine"

See the rainbow high above the viaduct
Glowing with all the colours of
A bottle of spilt milk
Oh, it's so beautiful
But I don't know what it means
Oh, rainbow high above - what
Exactly are you advertising?

The film now cuts to reveal who
Is watching this docu-drama a
Middle class couple sit in wonder
As the titles roll
"All nicotine stains and beer-bellies in
This programme were real"
But upstairs in his room
Amongst the Airfix planes, is
A small boy he sit's in the dark
Listening for the sound of the train
That crosses the viaduct at
Four o'clock every morning the train
That carries the dismembered remains
The dismembered remains of
Matchstick Men and Matchstick Cats & Dogs
And it's coming, and it's coming
Coming oh yeah

"What you looking at?"
"I don't know - label's fell off"
"I'm going aht" "Am I so beautiful you can't
Stop looking at me?" "Am I so beautiful?"
"You don't scare me" "I'll take you all on"
"You and whose army?"
"Me - me and my fist-y"
Catcliffe you don't intimidate me, your
Parkway and your shopping centre
Your Panda Pops and
Pottery, your motorway junction
Overwhelming stench of failure
Lives that never left first base
Stunted by vapours from the cooling towers
And I will do everything
Everything in my power to get way from you

Oh yeah