12 Days of Christmas: Christmas Is for the Birds

Hey, Merry Christmas, Adam! Merry Christmas, Fred!
Merry Christmas to everyone
Yeah man
You having a good year?
Yeah, it just feels good to be next to you here on the holidays
Hearing you say merry Christmas
It just warms my heart, man
It's like soul food, like fired okra
Dude, I'm having a great holiday this year, it's awesome
Yeah man, so you wanna sing for these people or what?
Yeah, here we go, okay

On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
I don't even know what a partridge is, to be honest
A partridge is a bird
I think it's a bird that doesn't fly
Like Danny Bonaduce?
Um, no, it's
He's ripped, ripped I'm telling you
I heard he's a little, you know, fallen on the deep end, maybe
Oh, yeah, well
He's gonna kick my ass now
No, it's against that napoleon complex, he's short

So, on the, on the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
Turtle doves?
They're nice, do they have shells?
Uh, I don't know

But, on the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
From now on can you sing
"And a Danny Bonaduce"?

On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a Danny Bonaduce
That's good! Yeah, yeah, it works, the syllables

Yeah, so I started to wonder
If my true love, my old lady
Was going to get me anything
Other than a bunch of birds
Yeah, they're all, like, pooping everywhere and stuff, it's gross
They're hard to clean up after
So far she got me four calling birds,
French hens, turtle doves
The French hens, which are the French hens
They're eating all your cheese
Drinking up all your wine
Like all hours of the day
I love France
So, I was wondering when
She was going to get me something good

And on the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Five golden rings
Nice!
Yeah, I was finally happy
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a par-Danny Bonaduce

So, like, with the five golden rings
That's kinda nice
Yeah, but on the sixth day, she started getting-
Like Lil Wayne
Or what's another rapper
That has like a bunch of silly jewelry?
Um, I don't know any, man

But, on the sixth day
It kinda went downhill
And the seventh cause she got me
Six geese a-laying
Geese a-laying?
Like laying down?
No, like, geese that are laying
Like, oh, like
That's gross, yeah, I don't know about that
And then on the seventh day-
I often wonder how geese would go about doing that
If you're picking up what I'm putting down
I-I don't want to talk about it, man, okay

On the seventh day?
Seventh day
Seven swans swimming
More birds!
Swimming?
I hate it

On the eight day it got really weird
Cause on the eight day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Eight maids a-milking
What?! Yeah!
What, are they milking the geese cause they're laying?
I think they're like lactating or something
I don't get that, yeah
I'm not into it

But, on the ninth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Nine ladies dancing
Nice! Okay, cool
Oh, well that explains the maids a-milking
No, these were like exotic dancers
Like you can see on the internet
Yeah, it was nice
There was like one of those poles and all that stuff
Yeah, but this is your old lady
That's getting you all these things, that's kinda weird
I know, but she's looking out for me, you know
Tenth day, tenth day, okay

On the tenth day it got crazy again
Cause she gave me ten lords a -leaping
Like the dark lords?
I don't know
That's so weird, and then the eleventh day
Pipers piping
Pipers piping?
These are, by far, the strangest gifts I have ever received
I don't understand-
Wait, like, laying pipe?
No, that's the geese that are laying pipe
Oh, well maybe they're laying it with the pipers
Which would be weird all together

But, on the twelfth day of Christmas
This is the last day
My true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming
Everybody could use a good drummer
Yeah, I could use twelve drummers, yeah
The Grateful Dead had two drummers
Dude, Slipknot has like ten, yeah
Did you get to, like, choose which drummers
Or are they just studio guys?
I think they were pretty bad ass
Oh, cool
I mean, not that Mark's not
I mean, Mark's kicking some ass, yeah
You know
Was he one of the twelve?
Um, I don't know, but

So, let's go down the list
And finish this godforsaken song off
Oh, okay and wish everyone a very merry Christmas

Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Let's give it up for the ladies dancing
Go ladies! Okay
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a Danny Bonaduce

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! Alright