Accidents

My girlfriend had a miscarriage
After months of morning sickness and no periods
Recordings, pictures, the whole experience
All those books that we couldn’t stop reading
One day she woke up and she wouldn’t stop bleeding
Left a trail like the one Hansel and Gretel found
I called an ambulance, she made me cancel it and settle down
I thought she was trying to avoid admitting something was wrong
I’d seen her deal with pain before, but nothing this strong
I swear my temperature lost digits
I turned my tears into hostages
My ideas couldn’t cross bridges
They jumped off
Now they’re washed up in lost ditches
Ever got stitches?
That’s not a fraction of the pain
Total shutdown’s the reaction of the brain
I closed my eyes hoping the fact didn't remain
And then I opened them to this accident again

I couldn’t stop thinking about the ambulance dialled
We looked like some junkies, hampered and wild
And its mad ‘cus part of me felt angered and rowed
But obviously we never planned for the child
We thought, "God gives blessings, we’re receiving a portion"
So at the time I didn’t believe in abortion but I still Googled it
Looking it up for an option
Cause I couldn’t see us putting it up for adoption

She was wary of abortion, she heard it triggers effects
And she had one already, one of her biggest regrets
It was part of the reason she hated herself
And why she constantly felt like her figure’s a mess
She invested a lot into the last pregnancy
So when she changed her mind, she was backdating
By which time she was lactating
So she couldn’t normalise, she was traumatised
And as she told me this, she shook before my eyes
And I became conscious of abusing her fragility
Which was the context of her losing her virginity
So we kept the baby to avoid reducing her fertility

That’s the backdrop to having lost a child
Oh, and by the way, she was a foster child
Spent most her life getting tossed around
Manchester, Newcastle, Gloucester bound
And for the first time she crossed the boundary of having a love she owned
Not just lost and found
So what she felt she didn’t need to say as
Her body allowed the dream to bleed away

Even though she was a likely mother
Honestly, we didn’t really like each other
I was immature and she was insecure
We were in too deep
Can I swim to shore?
This is literally how we started
Used to muck around and I just kind of stuck around
Then after a bit with all the laughter and shit
She told me that if I was to leave, that would have struck her down
So she became my accidental wife
And we had made an accidental life
And that potential mess brought bags of mental stress
‘Cus that life met with an accidental death

So what will the strongest dreaming achieve?
And wasn’t I wrong for feeling relieved
Maybe it was part of regaining her power
But, understandably, after that she turned sour
Which I thought was a game she’d be playing forever
But whatever, we couldn’t justify staying together

She told me she missed me after breaking up
And expected us to be on the path to making up
I said, "look how well you’ve done on your own
You don’t miss me, you miss having someone to phone
Someone to moan to
Someone to hold you
Someone to bold true when others approach you
Look how far you’ve come on your own too
You don’t even like the world I’m on a roll to
So come on, it's plain to see that someone just ain’t in me"

But I still entertained all the love she showed
Which must have given her false hope
She told me she was saving herself for me
Behaving herself for me
But that’s not the way that it felt to me
Felt like she’d been with someone else to me
"So who is it?"

She became visibly immersed in her fears
Broke into an act she’d rehearsed in a year
An easy way around any person that clears
Shook her head slowly and burst into tears
I don’t understand why the hell she’s crying
She says she feels insulted, I can tell she’s lying
And that makes me wonder what else she’s hiding
Cuh she’s not that kind of girl
So why the hell she crying?
She said I’m pregnant again

(For fuck’s sake)
Am I the only possible Dad?
She said it was a one-night stand
And I felt my whole body go numb like damn (Come 'ere, come 'ere, come 'ere)
She follows that up with a lot of bullshit
“It lasted for a minute and he’s got a small dick
And he gloats about it, but he’s not at all sick
He’s a horrible prick
And I said frailty thy name-”
"Shut the fuck up!
You dragged me through this bullshit, kicking and screaming
Only for me to find you’ve been tricking and scheming
Through the same mouth he’s been sticking his dick in and seeming
Which you’ve been kissing me with after licking his semen
Look at me when I’m talking to you
LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU

I can’t believe I thought I knew you for real
But for old time’s sake, I’m going to do you a deal
Any memories of us, you’re going to fully forget
And I’ll leave before I do something I fully regret
Oh I’m scaring you now? Poor you
I guess ‘sorry’ is to too much of a mouthful too
So don’t fucking phone my phone
I’ll call you"