All-American Prophet

You all know the Bible
Is made of Testaments Old and New
You've been told it's just those two parts
Or only one, if you're a Jew
But what if I were to tell you
There's a fresh third part out there?
Which was found by a hip, new prophet
Who had a little
Donny Osmond flair

Have you heard of the all-American Prophet?
The blonde-haired, blue-eyed voice of God
He didn't come from the Middle East
Like those other holy men
No, God's favorite prophet was All-American

I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times 1823
An American man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of Rochester, New York

You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?

That's right, that young man spoke to God

He spoke to God?

And God said, "Joe, people really need to know
That the Bible isn't two parts
There's a Part Three to the Bible, Joe
And I, God, have anointed you
To dig up this Part Three that is buried by the tree
On the hill in your backyard"

Wow, God says go to your backyard and start digging, that makes perfect sense

Joseph Smith went up to that hill
And dug where he was told
And deep in the ground, Joseph found
Shining plates of gold

What are these golden plates?
Who buried them here, and why?

Then appeared an angel
His name was Moroni

I am Moroni

The All-American Angel (All-American)

My people lived here long, long ago
This is the history of my race
Please read the words within
We were Jews, who met with Christ but we were All-American

But don't let anybody see these plates except for you
They are only for you to see
Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don't
Just copy them on to normal paper
Even though this might make them question if the plates are real or not
This is sort of what God is going for

Joseph took the plates home and wrote down what he found inside
He turned those plates into a book
Then rushed into town and cried

"Hey, God spoke to me and gave me
This blessed ancient tome
He hath commanded me to publish it
And stick it in every home"

Wow! So the Bible is really a trilogy?
And the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?
I'm interested

Now, many people didn't believe the Prophet Joseph Smith
They thought he'd made up this Part Three that was buried by a tree, on the hill in his backyard

Liar

But Joe said

This is no lie; I speak to God all the time
And he told me to head west
So I'll take my Part Three, from the hill with the tree
Feel free if you'd like to come along with me
To the promised land

The promised land?

Paradise, on the West coast
Nothing but fruit and fields, as far as the eye can see

Have you heard of the All-American prophet?
He found a brand new book about Jesus Christ
We're following him to paradise
We call ourselves Mormons
And our new religion is All-American

Wow! How much does it cost!?

The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down
But every time they thought they'd found it
They got kicked out of town
And even though people wanted to see the golden plates
Joseph never showed 'em

I've got maggots in my scrotum

Um, okay?
Well, anyway
Now comes the part of our story
That gets a little bit sad
On the way to the promised land
Mormons made people mad
Joseph was shot by an angry mob
And knew he'd soon be done

You must lead the people now
My good friend, Brigham Young
Oh, God, why are You letting me die?
Without having me show people the plates?
They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not
They'll have to believe it just 'cause
Oh, I guess that's kinda what you were going for
Blarg

The Prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in
But his followers, they kept on heading west
And Brigham Young led them to paradise
A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City
And there the Mormons multiplied
And made big Mormon families
Generation to generation
Until finally they made me
And now it's my job to lead you where those early settlers were led, long ago

Have you heard of the All-American prophet?

Kevin Price

The next in line to be the voice of God?

My best friend

He's gonna do something incredible
And be Joseph Smith again
'Cause Kevin Price, the prophet, is All-American

If you order now, we'll also throw in a set of steak knives

All-American