The Homophobic Christmas Tree

Once upon a time, a kindly woodsman was searching the forest
For the perfect Christmas tree for his family when he found one
It was tall and strong, a handsome tree you might say
Oh how wonderful said the woodsman
You'll be perfect this year at my house this Christmas
Of course i will have to garland you
With all sorts of bows and ribbons and frilly things
Suddenly and to the woodsman's complete surprise the tree spoke
What the fuck are you talking about?

No-one's gonna fucking dress me up this year
No-one's gonna fucking get me up in that gear
Thats for fairies and for fucking little Christmas poofs
There's not gonna be any homo stuff around here

Yes the Christmas tree was homophobic it had a problem with gays

Oh Christmas tree pleaded the woodsman
Think of the wonderful times you'll have at my house this Christmas
Think of the merriment think of the gaiety

BANG!

No-ones gonna put a star upon this head (bub-bub-i-dub, bub-bub-i-dub)
All that faggotty gold and silver and red (aah-aah-ahh-aah)
If you don't stop singing like homo's
I'm going to go down on you so hard

That cotton wool snow shit
And tinselly fucking stuff
You can keep your balls away from me (he said)
And one more thing
You're not going to up-root me (no-no)
You're not going to up-root me(no-no)
As much as you might enjoy
Using me as some perverted Christmas toy
I'm not gonna be your little bummer boy
Now Scram

...and so the woodsman moved onto a more open-minded
Part of the forest and what of the homophobic Christmas tree
Well he was earmarked for wood chipping turned into paper pulp and
Used to make flyer's for gay Mardi Gras, papier mache butt plugs
And cigarette papers some of which were smoked by gays. He basically
Supported the gay cause in every way possible, Merry Christmas