Flash, Bang, Wallop

(Smile please, all smile, you too, Sir)
(I am smiling)

All lined up in a wedding group
'Ere we are for a photograph
We're all dressed up in a morning suit
All trying hard not to laugh
Since the early caveman in his fur
Took a trip to Gretna Green
There's always been a photographer
To record the 'appy scene

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture
What a picture, what a photograph
Poor old soul, blimey, what a joke
Hat blown off in a cloud of smoke
Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet
Bangin' on the big bass drum
What a picture, what a picture
Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum
Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thanks very much, one more picture, hold it)

The same thing 'appened long ago
When man was in his prime
And what went on we only know
From the snaps he took at the time
When Adam and Eve in their birthday suit
Decided to get wed
As Adam was about to taste the fruit
The man with the cam'ra said

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture
What a picture, what a photograph
Poor old Eve, there with nothing on
Face all red and 'er fig leaf gone
Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet
Bangin' on the big bass drum, W-e-e-a-ay
What a picture, what a picture
Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum
Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thanks very much, one more picture, hold it)

You've read it in a folio
Or seen it in a Shakespeare play
How Juliet fell for Romeo
In the merry month of May
And as 'e climbed the orchard wall
To reach 'is lady fair
As he tumbled, she began to bawl
As he floated through the air

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture
What a picture, what a photograph
Poor young chap, what a night 'e spent
Tights all torn and 'is rapier bent
Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet
Bangin' on the big bass drum, W-e-e-a-ay
What a picture, what apicture
Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum
Stick it in your fam'ly album

(One more picture, hold it)

King 'Enry the Eighth had several wives
Including Anne Boleyn
And he kept an album of their lives
With all their photos in
As Anne Boleyn was on her knees
Dressed in her very best frock
King 'Enry shouted, "Smile, Dear, please"
As 'er 'ead rolled off the block

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture
What a picture, what a photograph
Comes the print in a little while
Lost 'er 'ead, but she kept 'er smile
Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet, Ye-e-a-y
Bangin' on the big bass drum
What a picture, what a picture
Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum
Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thank you very much, one more picture, hold it)

When Napoleon married Josephine
There was just the same to-do
He galloped home from the battle scene
All the way from Waterloo
And as he came from orf 'is 'orse
To the boudoir where she sat
She said to 'im, in French of course
As he took of his big cocked 'at

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture
What a picture, what a photograph
There she was, with a big Hussar
All caught up in 'er oh-la-la
Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet, Ye-e-a-y
Bangin' on the big bass drum
What a picture, what a picture
Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum
Stick it in your fam'ly album

Stick it in your fam'ly
Stick it in your fam'ly
In your fam'ly album