The Lament of the Three-toed Sloth

I used to be quite active in high school
Back when my metabolic rate was faster
I was always quite stocky
But I was pretty good at hockey
I avoided white bread, potatoes, and pasta

I used to be an average mammal
I was no Jessie Owens, but I wasn't John Candy
I was never that attractive
But I was reasonably active
I sure wasn't synonymous with "lazy"

I don't think I'm that apathetic
I'll admit, I'm not particularly ambitious
But the fact that on the ground
I don't break the speed of sound
Is typical of megalonychidae colipas

Oh, God, were you really being fair
When you named the land animals
And birds of the air?
Did you stop to think, "That's a bit rough
Naming that poor little fella a 'sloth'"?

Pigeon-holing should be left for pigeons
And frankly, I'm starting to get sick
Of being labelled by the number of my toes
And the fact that on the ground
I'm not that quick

I can't think of any other creatures around
Who are forced to share their name with a sin
There's a pride of lions, sure
But that's a collective noun
They don't have a "greed" or a "lust" at the Singapore Zoo
And "Tim Roth" isn't spelled with a double-U

And just in case I wasn't disadvantaged enough
You blessed me with only three toes
That are actually too claw-like to grab onto stuff
And this simian face, and this damned ursine nose to top it off
Oh, and then you went and called me a "sloth"

Lord, I have always done my best
This cross that I bear has put hair on my chest
And with the three claws that you gave me
I've clawed my way up to the top of the tree

But up here I'm tired
And I'm lonely, as well
I've got few sloth-y friends
And no sloth-y girl
It's really quite tough
Being a three-toed sloth
In this five-fingered hustle-bustle world