Brutalist Baby

I feel as tall as a tree
But as invisible as its roots
Would you finally see me
If I ripped my eyeballs out of my head
And placed them right into your hands

Or would you turn away at the bloody intensity
I know this is the path I have to walk but why does it have to be so lonely
If only
I could take back everything I read
Ignorance is bliss they said
But I am so knowing I'm so rational
I'm so in love with you but I also don't care at all
I'm so confused someone please explain it all

My indifference my apathy
Keep me alive but also feed at me
Take away the soft flesh that you can squeeze
Leave me a skeleton of bones not much to see
Not even cute and certainly not sweet
But if you care for my soul
You'd meet warm summer rain
May I turn into a storm?
May I break out my cage?
May I be bad? May I rage?
May I get what I deserve?
Or do I have to change my whole being

I couldn't abandon my principles even if I wanted to
Feel like if I gave up all hell would break lose
People don't believe in anything but they believe in me
How can I let them down
How can I find relief?

I need help
But I don't ask for it
The one who carried me for almost a year
Didn't care
So why would anyone across these damned seven seas?
I learnt that you gotta give to receive
So I give this life my all because I believe

Fuck it I'll just admit that I'm extremely obsessive
I want too much from this life
So I give too much to this life
It's been this way since I was a child

And now I'm obsessed with the way you make me feel
It makes me feel like I'm here it makes me feel like I'm real
Like I've finally broken out of my cocoon
Yet I'm no butterfly at least not to you
But hey - if I get a lil prettier can I be your baby?
Why can't you just love me I'm going crazy
I know love doesn't come easy to me
I don't want it if it's not ocean deep
I know love doesn't come easy to me
I've seen the terrors of it and I had to flee
I've developed an idiosyncrasy

So now that you're here I'm not ready for you
I'm still the same stone Mama Medusa turned me into
And don't say I'm the most amazing person you know
I've heard that too many times before

And I feel like something's seriously wrong with me
Because little me
Didn't ever get to see
Fire like the one in your eyes
Now I'm burning all the more
Hoping you can melt away the stone

Hopeless dreams that I hope alone
It doesn't help that the painkillers don't take away the pain in my dome
It doesn't help that my sickness visits me when I'm sick of being alone
It doesn't help that I might die before I've known
All the ways I could've lived all the ways I could've grown

Every day I think I might die tomorrow
So forgive me for not taking more time for you and me
Forgive me for brushing aside things like they're silly
In the grander context they might be
But I love that to you a lightbulb is lightning
But I gotta stay focused cos I'm running out of time
And if you don't run with me I guess that's fine

I gotta keep running but don't complain why I'm out of breath
You'd be too if you'd be running away from death
And you'd ask yourself questions like
Am I living life right
You'd be giving yourself to this fight
Then contemplate about life like
To mean something to everyone
Or to mean everything to someone
Have the world in my hands
Or be the world in someone's hands
Get flowers from everyone
Or be someone's flower
Be the one leading the fight when it all comes down
Or be with someone at the world's darkest hour
I made my choice long ago
I just wish I wasn't longing so
I
Built concrete walls around me
But the interior is nice
Brutalist baby
Soft inside