"all aboard"
Bridie Mae Siobhan Monds Watson
Welcome aboard the southbound Lassitude 432 to Grim Town
If you are standing, please continue to stand
There are no additional seats
Please note this train is for the following categories of passenger only
recipients of universal credit or minimum wage
the lonely, the disenfranchised, the disillusioned, the lost, the grieving
Those who are unmedicated and have salaries or pension plans should vacate the carriage immediately
Passengers will be required to disembark and travel on their knees from this point
Sustenance will not be available
Please surrender any faith, aspiration or optimism to platform staff if you haven't already
There will be no refunds or compensation for any inconvenience
Refreshments will not be available onboard
Enjoy your journey