I'm So Good That I Don't Have to Brag

Now I'm warnin' all you women,
Don't stand too close to me 'cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag.
Well, I'm three parts tiger and one part snake,

I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag.
I need an adding machine to count up all the women I've ruined for other men
Now compared to me, Paul Bunyan is a screamin' fag.
I can shift more gears and pump more juice
I'll turn you every which way but loose.
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag.

Now there's twenty, thirty beautiful women sleepin' at the foot of my bed.
And every night, every night I hear 'em sighin'.
They say that I don't miss a thing, they say that I'm the lovin' king
And I'm too nice a guy to say they're lyin'.

Now I've been makin' love professionally since I was only six years old.
And I really learned the way to wiggly wag
And still, I'm such a modest man, you know I'm twice as great as I think I am.
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag.

There's a line of chicks startin' at my window and reachin' across the street,
And it stretches 'way to the other side of town.
They come to me from across the seas, on their knees just sayin' "Please"
And I'm too nice a guy to turn 'em down.

Now I once got captured by some Amazon women down in the Fiji Isles.
They were fightin' over me to see who'd be my bride.
I had to kill them all and I will admit it and I won't tell you how I did it,
But I'll tell you each one was smilin' when she died.

Now the day I die, every woman in the country's gonna go around dressed in black,
And they'll probably add another star to the American flag.
And they'll build me a monument forty feet high sayin', "It's a shame he had to die.
He was so damn good he never had to brag."

And I'm tellin' you men, keep your eighteen year old daughters off of my back
And your wives, they like the way I carry on
And why don't you go look at your mother for a while.
You notice she's wearin' a funny sorta smile
Well, that just means I've been there and I've gone.

Now if you got a frigid woman, I'm gonna cure her for a hundred dollars.
You can bring her around my house at four o'clock,
And you can come and pick her up at 4:03 if you can pry her off of me.
I got a whole lot of others just waitin' 'round the block.

Now if you're wonderin' how you're gonna get to me,
Better bring a Cadillac full of money
'Cause I sure as hell ain't gonna swing without no swag.
I can make you creep, I can make you crawl, make you scream and climb the wall,
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag.

So Baby, don't call me up at three o'clock in the mornin', no more threatenin' suicide.
I mean go ahead and do it, Honey, 'cause wakin' me up is a drag.
And you can leave a note for all the rest sayin' at least you had the very best,
And he's so damn good that he don't have to brag.

Now I'm warnin' all you women, don't stand too close to me 'cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag.
Well, I'm three parts tiger and one part snake,
I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag.