An Unexpected Visitation (from the BBC)

[PETER SKELLERN as SEPTIMUS MEEK]

[Preamble (addressing God)]
If this is one of your little jokes
It's fallen incredibly flat
I'd like to point out between us blokes
That life isn't funny like that
Your talent for pain and love and joy
Is something I've always admired
And you're not unfunny. But oh, boy
Your timing leaves a lot to be desired

[Verse]
Plagues and famine I've been taught to handle in my stride
With the daily round of sin and degradation
After years of studying learnéd pastoral guides
I now can deal with any situation
Family feuds, unemployment, cattle stuck in ditches
Psychedelia, haemophilia, nakednеss, and witches
But nothing in my years of preaching hath prеparéd me
For this unexpected visitation from the BBC

[Verse]
Ancient curses, open tombs, and headless apparitions
I'm called upon to daily exorcise
Pillars of the parish in embarrassing positions
Discovered in conservatories with other people's wives
Spinsters locked in lavatories and boys with nasty habits
Unmarried mothers who, though chastised, contrive to breed like rabbits
But nothing can compare for shock, I'm sure you will agree
Like this unexpected visitation from the BBC

[Spoken dialogue]
Good morning, Mrs Willowby
[PEGGY ANN CLIFFORD as MRS WILLOWBY]
Hello
I'm in need of your soprano
Oh, you'll want the sweet counter
No, no, your voice
Ooh, plenty of choice!
No, no, I want you to sing for the BBC
String and PVC? You want the hardware section
No, no. Look
You're getting awfully close to the hour of your judgment
Which do you want?
Up or down?
Ooh, up!
Be at the church at nine o'clock, and I'll put in a good word

[Verse]
I'm sure you see why she no longer is required to sing
In Archibald McDonald's present choir
Though she tries her level best, she cannot hear a thing
And is usually a beat behind and several octaves higher
But she's there at every service to lead the congregation
Stoically behind them in triumphant variation
And with a little bit of luck she'll hit a familiar key
For this unexpected visitation from the BBC

[Verse]
My attempts to change this next one's ways, though in the course of duty
Have been, I'm sad to say, to no avail
God sent her here to test young men with her unhidden beauty
A test they all continually fail
Prudence? Prudence? Coo-ee? Are you there?

[DEE ANDERSON as PRUDENCE]
Come up, my dear
No no, it's me
We've an unexpected visitation from the BBC

[Spoken dialogue]
It were 'ot last night. Didn't you think so, Septimus?
Yes, it was. I was wondering...
I was sprawled on the cool sheets
The BBC are coming this morning to hear the choir
But they've gone on their strip
Ooh?
Grip
Trip
Would you come along at nine o'clock and sing for us?
Sure, Seppy
I'll just shower

[Verse]
Homemade jam from the WI, the vicar's little[?] wine
The occasional trout or pheasant from the major
Christmas pudding in a parcel from an aged aunt of mine
And a bob each way at the point to point: my annual wager
Camping with the Wolf Cubs, playing cricket on the green
Morris men, and maypoles, and crown the village queen
All is nicely ordered, just as it all should be
Except for this unexpected visitation from the BBC