Another Rape Poem (Sixteen)

I walked in
Saw your face
White teeth clamped
Black T-Shirt
Should have run
I was a prize

Sixteen, Sixteen, Sixteen

I was sixteen and had a boyfriend that was an idiot
Which was okay, because I was also kind of an idiot
My friend and I snuck into an army barracks late at night
She was dating an older guy who lived on the base
Suddenly I was a prize in a building of a thousand men ---
Drenched in America and sweat
I'm not saying that the military raped me
I’m saying I was sixteen and I was on my period

(Black T-Shirt)
There were three wolves in the bedroom who circled me
(Should have run)
Without ever flashing their canines
Isn't rape funny like that?
I have to speak in metaphor in order to get it out

In the morning, I told myself that I drank too much
And that I cheated, and that I was so sorry
And boys will be boys
Weaved a different story in my head
Painted it like glitter in a swamp
Forced a laugh when I said "rough sex"
(Saw your face)

I wonder how many girls have giggled while they were raped
I bet a lot of them (Black T-Shirt)
(Should have run)
Sometimes when I'm washing the dishes, the hairs on my arms stand up
And somehow thought memory turns into physical memory
And I feel my body tense up at the kitchen sink
(Saw your face)
I don’t know the science of that kind of thing
But I feel my eyes close scared
And the movie plays
And I softly say "no"
And I don't laugh uncomfortably this time (Black T-Shirt)
And afterwards the fury comes like a wave of ashes
And I pretend I am the biggest most powerful phoenix
And as my hands wrap around the coffee mug in the water
I pretend they teleport through time and space to that night
And circle around his neck and I say "no"
A whole fuck-ton louder than I did

I guess what I'm saying is (Saw your face)
I don't apologize like that anymore (White teeth clamped)
(Black T-Shirt, should have run)
(Cries of anguish)

When I walked in
Saw your face
White teeth clamped
Black T-Shirt
Should have run
I'm not a prize