Fruitcake Commentary

What the hell is this? Russia?

What kind of moron would still give a fruitcake for Christmas? Good Lord, you can't eat the damn things. Good Lord, an Ethiopian would look at a fruitcake and say, 'Ugh, gross! I'm going back to eating bugs and monkey brains.' Fruitcakes

Tell you what, when I was a kid, we had to put two of 'em underneath the right-front wheel of the trailer to keep the living room sitting level

A lot of people don't know, but did you know this? The fruitcake was also the main weapon used by Texicans in the Alamo? A lot of people don't know that

Fruitcakes first come to this country by a feller named Jedediah Herrington. He used 'em as fruit licks for his horses. A neighbor did him wrong one day, so to get even he sent him a fruit lick

Throughout the years, the fruitcake has been used as a last-minute gift or as a 'you're-kind-of-a-butthole' gift. The ancient Romans used to stone folks with fruitcakes and the fruitcake was used in the first steam engines as coal substitutes

*burp* Sorry, that was fruitcake

The fruitcake still today is being used by African pygmies to lengthen their wieners. It's true, now! You listen! They tie the fruitcake to their ding-dongs and stretch it so that they look good for the annual march through town for hunting season. That's true! For years, homos used the same technique to get ready for gay parades, until they stopped when the pineapple started causing rashes

So the story of the fruitcake is a good one. So if you get one for Christmas, it's either: 1. 'cause somebody's mad at you, 2. you're a butthole, or 3. you're queer and you need to stretch your wiener

Merry Christmas! Like Bill Clinton said to Hillary after he got a fruitcake, quote, 'I'll be gone for an hour, stretching his wiener', unquote