Motive

Dear Will Olenyik, I'm sorry that I'm late
I know the way you think of me, I'm hoping that can change
I been going through it I hope that you can't relate
You almost never got this letter at all, it was a close one
From these problems that I never could solve, now I got no one
I got a lot of grudges to hold, and you can hold one
And I don't have a reason to live, so I just wrote one
I was 15 and I needed a name to go by
I fell in love with music now music don't pay me no mind
I called my homegirl, she came up with the shit in no time
And she came up with Ceo and it finally stuck
But if you think ya know this story ya don't, but you're about to
Months later shit got heated between us
And then she said that's why ya Ceo, cuz what ya say I can't outdo
She said you always take it too far
I drank so much I can't remember what I said
That's the last time that we spoke
Weeks later she was dead
I just need for her to know
I'm forever in ya debt
If I knew I wouldn't let
What was said get me upset
If I knew her death was comin
Then at least we'd still be friends, right
What happens next became my biggest regret
I fuckin chose to make it rhyme and exploit everything I go through
You have no clue it ain't easy to stop, I thought the same
Til I found out that it's my only way to cope so it's not, so all the weight
That you been hearing in my music all this time
I hear is saving people's lives, it's ruining mine, years go by
I'm 18 and living with my coach
Offers on the table from hooping I'm in my zone
Still making music he said to leave it alone
I said I couldn't do it cuz that was my way to cope
I viewed him as a father figure so we would talk about life shit
He could see that I started to act different
I came to him for guidance, I said I might have a drinking problem
And then he kicked me off the team and had me blacklisted
He told every school that offered I ain't worth the risk
And called me a fuckin junkie, right in front of my mother
They ain't make the playoffs I could tell he knew why
Cuz all he had to do was help, instead he pushed me aside, but I still got a full ride
I fell in love in Baton Rouge and her friends took advantage of me
They put something in her drink because she never gets drunk
And to this day I can't explain why I would make her switch cups
I fucking hated Long Islands, I hate the way they tasted
I even chased it then I woke up to my face getting fucked up
She's crying and punchin me screaming how the fuck could you cheat
I couldn't say a word cuz I was throwing up blood
And everyone I told about it thought I made the shit up
Like it didn't happen to guys, I'm just unfaithful as fuck
I had a tolerance to benzos it was more than familiar
And if we didn't switch cups I know that shit would've killed her
It fucked me up, so I went and drank the pain away
I can't even view sex the same way today
It's a topic I avoid, I would fuck just to fill a void
I went home and shit got worse on the day to day
Mama kicked me out cuz my vices became a crisis
Then shit went left I don't think I should talk about it
I saw brains on the floor, and let the trauma take over
Went to rehab and somehow I stayed sober, I think I know why
Maybe it's because everyone in my unit died
Either from a fuckin overdose or suicide
22 People and I'm the one who made it out
I had a way to cope so then I made it rhyme
2 Years go by and I met a woman
And at the time she loved me in ways that everyone couldn't
Summer 2019, we took a trip down to Florida
And on the drive I got some news that no one should get
One of my closest friends went and hung himself at a birthday party
And then my best friend cut him down from the noose
He had 2 kids and I won't speak about the mother
Cuz I know he wouldn't want me to do it, I got you covered I promise
I was on vacation fuckin stressing
Makin every fucking person who was there do daily check ins
Askin questions, making sure that they won't follow him out
I can't afford a chance to grieve and not be strong for them now, that was the mindset
And I put it in the music, but I never released it
I wish I knew I didn't have a lot of time left
I ain't think she'd leave, but I know that I gave her reasons
Let me clear this up just to let you know where my mind went, shit
I ran back to my way to cope
I was in the whip just fucking jotting and taking notes
It's hard to write when every page is soaked, I never felt this way before
That's when I saw my way to cope was always self harm
I promise that it's worse when it ain't physical
Imagine thinking what would always save ya life just so happened to be what's killing You
Mental illness plotting against you tryna get rid of you
And if you had a story like mine, you would've did it too
I mean, that's what I'd like to believe
I wrote the plan in my psychiatrist's office thought it was flawless
I made a will as I divide my belongings
I saw it's not the coward's way out, it might be the strongest
And there's a stigma that it's selfish, but that wasn't the case
I've been a burden all my life, what's wrong with losing some weight? forreal
But after all the planning that I did
It didn't work out, and I should feel lucky to be alive, right
You would think I'm in grave danger
But the danger ain't the grave, the danger's who I became
It's hard to give perspective, no one looks at me the same
And I ain't taking shit from nobody except the blame
But I been holding it together I been trying my best
And if I ever did ya dirty that's cuz I was a mess, yeah
The music was always a cry for help
But ever since the day I should've died I haven't cried since