How to Handle a Woman

Blast you, Merlin! This is all your fault!
You swore that you had taught me everything from A to Zed
With nary an omission in between
Well, I shall tell you what
You obviously forgot
That's how a ruler rules a queen!

And what of teaching me by turning me to animal and bird?
From beaver to the smallest bobolink
I should have had a whirl
To change into a girl
To learn the way the creatures think!

But wasn’t there a night
On a summer, long gone by
We passed a couple wrangling away
And did I not say 'Merlin, what if that chap were I?'
And did he not give counsel and say
What was it now? My mind’s a wall
Oh, yes, by jove, now I recall

'How to handle a woman?
There's a way, ' said the wise old man
'A way known by ev'ry woman
Since the whole rigmarole began.'

'Do I flatter her?’ I begged him answer
’Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?'
Said he, smiling: ’No indeed

How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her, love her, love her.'

Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her.'