Shticks of One and Half a Dozen of the Other

She wheels her wheelbarrow
Through streets that are narrow,
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide
So wherever she wheels it,
The neighborhood feels it,
Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side
In Dublin's fair city,
Where girls are so pretty,
My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs eighteen stone
(That's two hundreds fifty six pounds)
I don't mind her fat but,
It's not only that but,
She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone

I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it Old Lang's Sign

Oh what have you done, Billy Sol, Billy Sol
Oh what have you done, charming Billy
You took almost every cent
From the US Government,
Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly

All day, all night, Cary Grant
That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant
What can he do that I can't?
Big deal, big star, Cary Grant

Oh the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash
So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again
But the way things go with me, the way my luck is,
Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain

On top of Old Smokey,
All covered with hair,
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey The Bear

Every time you take vaccine,
Take it orally
As you know the other way
Is more painfully

My grandfather's clock was the best ever made
By the Timex company
Just like the clock John Cameron Swayze displayed
Last night on the old TV

Oh it works under water so perfectly,
And still makes a ticking sound
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,
And that's how the old man drowned

Do not make a stingy sandwich
Pile the cold cuts high
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye

Oh I diet all day and I diet all night,
It's enough to drive me bats
Got no gravy or potatoes,
'Cause the whole refrigerator's
Fulla polyunsaturated fats

Fare thee well, Metrecal,
And the others of that ilk
Let the diet start tomorrow,
'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk

When you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
I repeat what I just said before,
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst

Oh buy the corned beef if you must,
The pickled herring you can trust,
And the lox puts you in orbit AOK
But that big hunk of liverwurst
Has been there since October First,
And today is the Twenty-Third of May

So when you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
It'll make your insides awful sore
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst